30.05.2019
i forced myself to think about him.
its been 2 months and 12 days since 19th march 2019.
the loss is still new.
i can still feel her kicks.
they still feel like flutters.
i told myself maybe you are just angry at him for leaving.
i forced myself to think.i closed my eyes and imagined us meeting on a spring noon, him with his wife and kids shopping, me by myself shopping. we ran into each other. his wife and i exchange hellos and she pulls the kids with her. i ask him how he is, where he is and ya da ya da.
he talks about his kids, gesturing towards my own bunch, i look at him and say i'm barren, i couldn't conceive after that abortion, i see his face fall. i know i shunt have but i say it anyway.
all the while thinking life is cruel the man killed his first and now gets to keep as many as he wants, i don't share these thoughts with him.i am still in my head.
when i think of him i feel regret.
i dislike feeling regret, it makes me weak. but these days all i do if feel regret. regret over loving a man who wasn't a man. regret in not putting all my love into myself.
it's still fresh- me taking the test the results turning to be positive; texting him and him accusing me that the baby wasn't his. the ambush by him and chadershekhar. feeling weak and strong at the same time. i swear i never knew strength like that ever. it felt like my strength came from my baby girl. it felt so solid. like i could feel her cheering on for me 'mama you can do this' 'mama i am with you'.
Do you know what loss makes you feel? Alone.
it makes you feel alone, utterly and completely alone, in the midst of a crowd, or by yourself you'll feel loss. you'll feel heartache. it tears you into tiny pieces and those pieces hurt, u are scattered like abstraction- once a whole now nothing fits. endless sharp edges strewn about. you try to put yourself back but it doesn't help. you do not know which piece goes where. you do not care anymore.
the thing i did is mainly this.
when i found out i never told my mother, i was so afraid. i was petrified.
she's not a horrible person, but me as a being to her: i am insignificant. It feels terrible to even think that but thats the way it has been. i may be the eldest but i have no space in my family, think of me as cinderella, no not her she had a house, she had help, she knew at least someone loved her(her mama and papa). i fear my parents love me but that love can be measured-it hurts to think this; and yet as i type i realise their love has been always measurable) i wonder was i supposed to get this hand? was this supposed to be so easy?
was being unloved on my plan?
if so who wrote my script? i can't do this anymore.
so much is happening.
i feel like the ground is slipping, no its being taken from under me, i feel like am being pushed into a tornado and the only way out seems to be by going in.
do i surrender?
this isn't madness, i know madness it runs rampant in me.
this is grey, people will say they feel blue, thats still a colour it defines a sense of gloominess. wha does grey signify? numbness, uncertainty, loss, rejection, think of all the things that make you feel generally and deeply unsettled, grey is that; can't define it, but its all in one or vice versa.
i am starting to feel better now. writing does help.
maybe this restart is good. its a lot of maybes these days.
but one things true i feel less numb than when i started. or maybe am a good con artist.
its been 2 months and 12 days since 19th march 2019.
the loss is still new.
i can still feel her kicks.
they still feel like flutters.
i told myself maybe you are just angry at him for leaving.
i forced myself to think.i closed my eyes and imagined us meeting on a spring noon, him with his wife and kids shopping, me by myself shopping. we ran into each other. his wife and i exchange hellos and she pulls the kids with her. i ask him how he is, where he is and ya da ya da.
he talks about his kids, gesturing towards my own bunch, i look at him and say i'm barren, i couldn't conceive after that abortion, i see his face fall. i know i shunt have but i say it anyway.
all the while thinking life is cruel the man killed his first and now gets to keep as many as he wants, i don't share these thoughts with him.i am still in my head.
when i think of him i feel regret.
i dislike feeling regret, it makes me weak. but these days all i do if feel regret. regret over loving a man who wasn't a man. regret in not putting all my love into myself.
it's still fresh- me taking the test the results turning to be positive; texting him and him accusing me that the baby wasn't his. the ambush by him and chadershekhar. feeling weak and strong at the same time. i swear i never knew strength like that ever. it felt like my strength came from my baby girl. it felt so solid. like i could feel her cheering on for me 'mama you can do this' 'mama i am with you'.
Do you know what loss makes you feel? Alone.
it makes you feel alone, utterly and completely alone, in the midst of a crowd, or by yourself you'll feel loss. you'll feel heartache. it tears you into tiny pieces and those pieces hurt, u are scattered like abstraction- once a whole now nothing fits. endless sharp edges strewn about. you try to put yourself back but it doesn't help. you do not know which piece goes where. you do not care anymore.
the thing i did is mainly this.
when i found out i never told my mother, i was so afraid. i was petrified.
she's not a horrible person, but me as a being to her: i am insignificant. It feels terrible to even think that but thats the way it has been. i may be the eldest but i have no space in my family, think of me as cinderella, no not her she had a house, she had help, she knew at least someone loved her(her mama and papa). i fear my parents love me but that love can be measured-it hurts to think this; and yet as i type i realise their love has been always measurable) i wonder was i supposed to get this hand? was this supposed to be so easy?
was being unloved on my plan?
if so who wrote my script? i can't do this anymore.
so much is happening.
i feel like the ground is slipping, no its being taken from under me, i feel like am being pushed into a tornado and the only way out seems to be by going in.
do i surrender?
this isn't madness, i know madness it runs rampant in me.
this is grey, people will say they feel blue, thats still a colour it defines a sense of gloominess. wha does grey signify? numbness, uncertainty, loss, rejection, think of all the things that make you feel generally and deeply unsettled, grey is that; can't define it, but its all in one or vice versa.
i am starting to feel better now. writing does help.
maybe this restart is good. its a lot of maybes these days.
but one things true i feel less numb than when i started. or maybe am a good con artist.
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